Many people have trouble expressing their feelings.
It may be because they do not feel entitled to do so or they don't really know how they feel. Most
often they just don't know this simple formula:
· I feel.
· When you.
· Because.
All three elements must be included. It is
important that you finish the "I feel" with how you feel but without being aggressive. For example
"I feel you are a jerk" is aggressive not assertive. When you are effectively assertive you are explaining how you
feel when certain things happen and why. Instead of “I feel you are a jerk,” how about, “I feel like you
don’t think much of me when you know you will be late for dinner and don’t take the time to call because I don’t
know what is keeping you and I worry.” The most common times when people have trouble being angry rather
than assertive are:
· Stating a difference of opinion
· Receiving
and expressing negative feelings
· Dealing
with someone who refuses to cooperate
·
Speaking up about something that annoys you
·
Protesting a rip-off
·
Saying "No"
·
Responding to undeserved criticism
·
Asking for cooperation
·
Proposing an idea
One of the first elements in assertiveness
is to learn to stop and reflect before responding. The sequence should be:
·
Immediate stop (think of a big red stop sign)
·
Breathe and use a relaxing cue (e.g. like the word calm or cool )
·
Reflect and look for your emotional trigger - Am I responding to a real problem on my own distorted thinking?- Do I need to "win" in this conversation?- Am I
afraid to show any sign of weakness?- Do I feel compelled to put this
person down?
· Choose
how you want to respond
· Respond Even
assertive people have trouble under pressure.
When under pressure try these steps:
·
Make eye contact with the person.
·
Don't go on until you feel relaxed. If you need more time, buy time by saying "okay,"
or "all right."
· If you
are still unable to relax, it might be best to temporarily remove yourself from the situation. Disengage
with a polite statement, such as "I'm really upset now. I'd like to return in a few minutes
and talk with you about what happened."
·
Use "I" statements to express your feelings or make a request. This is
to simply let the other person know where you stand, not to give you power leverage.
·
Reflect the other person's response by using "and" statements, not "but."
For example, "I understand you are upset, and when you yell like that, I get very upset." This
kind of response, as opposed to the more negative statement using "but," creates an air of conciliation and allows
for constructive discussion.
· Assess
your effect. Did the person hear you? If so, continue. If he or she was too angry to
understand, restate or reflect in another way. If it seems that communication is impossible, disengage until another time.
· State
your needs and your common goals with the person. This can be difficult when anger and defensiveness rule,
but it is vital for creating an empathetic mood. For example, "I would like to see your department
as productive as possible and I know you would like us to try your plan. Here is a suggestion I would like
to share with you."
Note, however, that if you need to
leave the situation to compose yourself, then do so. It is better to stay in control.
There
are four types of social communication ranging from aggressive to assertive and each has its own script:
·
Aggressive - a communication which says: "I count but you don't count."
· Passive - a communication which says:
"I don't count and you don't count."
·
Passive‑Aggressive - a communication that says: "I count. You don't
count but I'm not going to tell you about it."
·
Assertive - a communication which says: "I count and so do you."
Aggression is rarely appropriate and passive and passive aggressive responses are all too common. To learn
to control anger you must learn to be assertive. People who don’t understand assertiveness think that it
is equivalent to passivity. It is not. Assertiveness is “anger in defense” to aggressiveness as “offensive
anger.” Passivity invites an affront and may eventually lead to more anger. An assertive
response involves stating your thoughts and feelings calmly about a situation. Instead of blaming, or accusing or using threats
or name-calling you calmly and rationally present your case. It is a much more powerful way to respond to conflict than flying
into a rage.
People with difficulty being assertive often have difficulty making requests.
Lack of clarity in communication can lead to stress, frustration and anger. A clear request must
involve clear answers to three questions:
· Who?
– to whom is the request being made
·
What? – what must be done to benefit the request
· When? – when will
it be done. A request should be a request and not a demand. Thus the person to whom
the request is directed has the option of declining.
Thus requests should begin with:
·
"Would you be so kind."
·
"If it is not too much trouble could you ..."
·
"I would very much appreciate it if you..."
Persons
with low self esteem may not make requests for fear of revealing weakness, because of fear of rejection or being told no or
because they don't feel worthy. And when a request is denied they feel shattered. With
practice in being assertive you will find yourself more and more capable of defending your personal right to make requests
of other people.