Emotionally resilient individuals have a set of assumptions about themselves and their world that influences their response to stress. Emotionally resilient people tend to:

·        Feel like they are in control of their lives

·        Learn how to strengthen their ability to handle stress

·        Be empathetic to other people

·        Be effective communicators and have good people skills

·        Have good problem-solving and decision-making skills

·        Develop  realistic expectations and goals

·        Learn not only from their successes but also from their failures

·        Be contributing and compassionate members of society

·        Live responsibly based on thoughtful values

·        Feel worthwhile as a person, without being self-centered, and have the capacity to help others feel the same way about themselves.

Each of us has the capacity to become more resilient, learn how to successfully cope with problems and perhaps make assets out of liabilities.

Positive Emotions

Positive emotions have been described as nourishing emotions. This is because emotions such as joy or calmness seem to have beneficial effects on health. In studies classifying people on the basis of their brain activity, people who had the greatest activation of the left anterior region of the brain reported  more positive emotions in their daily lives and when faced with life challenges. People with more active right hemispheres reported more negative emotions.

Are there health consequences associated with persistent negative emotions, such as anger? In one study people were selected based on the results of a test of brain wave activity, called an EEG. In addition to the EEG participants also had blood drawn in order to test for differences in their immune systems. The group with more left hemisphere activity had immune system killer cells which were more effective in destroying foreign elements than the group with more right hemisphere activity.

Afflictive Emotions

Afflictive emotions are those that torment a person. Anger, anxiety and depression are the afflictive emotions with the strongest link to health problems.  If we are exposed long term to these afflictive emotions we increase our vulnerability to disease, worsen physical symptoms and impede recovery from illness or disease.

Right hemisphere activity is associated with negative emotions. The right side of the brain also influences bodily structures that secrete stress hormones. If the right side of the brain is chronically overactive there appears to be a relationship between negative emotions and the secretion of stress hormones. Chronic feelings of anger, hostility and aggression have been linked with raising the risk for developing arteriosclerosis and coronary heart disease as much as five times the normal rate. The health risks from hostility appear to be more significant in men than in women because of their higher levels of testosterone. Higher levels of testosterone are often associated with a person liking to control situations which can lead to their being argumentative or even engaging in physical fighting.

Depression has adverse health consequences. Research suggests that depression is more likely to hamper the ability to recover from severe illness.  For example, depressed women suffering from breast cancer have been found to have fewer natural killer cells then breast cancer sufferers who are not depressed. The job of these natural killer cells is to search for tumors as they begin to grow. Since depressed patients have fewer killer cells they are more likely to have tumors spread quickly to other parts of the body than patients who are not depressed.

At Mt. Sinai Medical School in New York City research  indicated that elderly patients who are not depressed were three times more likely to walk again after breaking a hip and nine times more likely to regain their previous state of health than those who were depressed.

A study at the University of Minnesota indicated that patients who were seriously depressed before their bone marrow transplant were significantly more likely to die in the first year following their transplant than non-depressed bone marrow transplant recipients. A University of Montreal study found that patients treated for a first heart attack who were seriously depressed were five times more like to die than a comparable group of patients who were not depressed.

People who lived near the Three Mile Island nuclear power plant after a meltdown in 1979 were very anxious and apprehensive. In a research study they were determined to have fewer T-cells and B-cells than people living in a similar neighborhood more distant from the plant. Fear and worry seemed to have a negative impact on the immune system.

A collaborative study between a special colds research unit in England and researchers at Carnegie-Mellon University found that when volunteers were exposed to cold viruses not everyone got sick. The critical factor appeared to be stress and anxiety. Only 27 percent of the people who were experiencing little stress developed a cold as compared to 47 percent of those who were under high stress.

Finally, afflictive emotions not only damage our health; they also damage our interpersonal relationships which can lead to various degrees of social isolation. Not having a strong social network, in itself, can increase a person’s risk for serious health problems, especially heart attacks.

What is Emotional Intelliegence?

Psychologists  John Mayer of the University of New Hampshire and Peter Salovey of Yale coined the term emotional intelligence in 1990. In brief, emotional intelligence is the intelligent use of emotions and the use of emotions to make us more intelligent. An emotionally intelligent individual intentionally makes emotions work for them to guide thinking and behavior.

Mayer and Salovey identified four building blocks of emotional intelligence. These include: 

1.         The ability to accurately recognize, evaluate and express emotion

2.         The ability to read or produce feelings when required in order to facilitate understanding of yourself or another person

3.         The ability to understand emotions and the information that comes from them

4.         The ability to control emotions to facilitate emotional and intellectual growth

Emotional intelligence involves five domains:

1.         Self-awareness – the ability to recognize a feeling while it is happening

2.         Emotional management – being able to handle feelings so that they are appropriate. This ability includes such things as being able to soothe oneself as well as being able to shake off out of control anxiety, despondency or grumpiness.

3.         Self-motivation – the ability to marshal emotions to serve a goal and the emotional control to delay gratification and censor impulsiveness. It also may include the ability to get into a “flow” state.

4.         Empathy – the fundamental people skill which involves the ability to notice and correctly interpret the needs and wants of other people. Empathy is that special something that leads to altruism. Empathy is also an essential characteristic of those who are successful in the caring professions. Being able to understand other people’s feelings and needs is profoundly helpful while being emotionally tone-deaf is extremely detrimental.

5.         Management of relationships – the art of relationships which involves skill in managing emotions in others.

Langer’s Psychology of Control

            Ellen Langer is one of the pioneers in the study of perceived control. Some of her most important findings come from field experiments with collaborator Judith Rodin which were conducted in nursing homes for the elderly. These studies pointed out the significant physical and mental gains that can be achieved in elderly people in institutional settings if they are given a sense that they are at least partially in control of their own lives by being able to choose some of their daily activities. Research has shown that perceived control is crucial not only for one’s psychological well-being but also for one’s physical health. Furthermore there is evidence that believing that one has control may be even more important than actually being able to make the overt responses to cause the desired outcome.

            Langer’s theory suggests that conditions that allow people in situations governed by chance to behave as if skills count, benefit from an illusion of control. Skill-related behaviors such as: making choices, thinking about the task and possible strategies to be use, exerting effort while working on the task, learning about the materials and responses to be made, and competing with other people to evaluate ability, reduce a sense of helplessness. This perception gives individuals in a chance situation, in which they have no objective influence on outcome, an illusion of control. In this situation people became motivated to master their environment and to avoid the negative consequences of feeling like they are not in control. They perceive the simultaneous occurrence of chance and skill elements as clouding the difference between the two; and that their behavior is not “irrational” rather it is viewed as a possible opportunity for gain. People tend to make judgments about the causes of events and see themselves as having the ability to determine what will happen if an outcome is positive, even as they ignore the objective reality that they are overestimating the probability of success.

            In short, people need to believe that they have some control over what happens to them. While there may be millions of losers in every big lottery, there are also winners. And there really are exceptional people, like the young mountain climber who amputated his own arm to free himself when a boulder imprisoned his arm in an accident. He climbed down a steep incline and walked six miles to safety when he surely would have died otherwise. There are also people like Lance Armstrong who overcame cancer and became the first person to ever win the grueling Tour de France bicycle race six times. There really are heroes. We need to believe that we too can beat the odds and overcome enormous obstacles that would crush lesser mortals. That mountain climber and Lance Armstrong believed they could control events when others might not do so.

            According to Langer and her colleagues there are two kinds of control:

·        Primary Control

            Primary control involves changing a situation. Owning our behavior and becoming more resilient requires that we realize that we are the authors of our lives. Instead of always trying to change everyone else we should ask what is it that I can do to change the situation?  It is not just the elderly in nursing homes who benefit from feeling like they have some control of their daily activities, it is us all. Research supports the importance of personal control as a major factor in our physical and emotional well-being. A sense of control fosters optimism and optimism can be protective. Primary control means changing the situation.

·        Secondary Control

            Secondary control involves how we view a situation. Even in situations that we cannot directly change we can determine how we think about it. Even when faced with major life challenges like serious illness, death of a loved one, divorce, loss of employment and natural disasters a lot of what happens to us emotionally and physically is determined by how we look at the situation. Secondary control means changing the way we view the situation and how we feel about it.

            Developing a sense of control in your work life

            It is important to remember that your own thoughts, body changes and behaviors drive your emotional responses, not someone else’s actions or external events. For example if you have a boss who is given to verbally chastising you in front of other employees it is your pounding heart, your clenched fists and your thoughts about your boss’s behavior that result in your anger in the situation. Nobody can make you angry. You must do that yourself.

Optimism and Health

            Over the past two decades research from around the world has produced a steady stream of scientific evidence that psychological traits, especially optimism can contribute to good health. Optimism does this by:

            1.         Reducing that sense of helplessness that stifles constructive action.

            2.         Giving a person a reason to stick to health regimens and seek medical    advice

3.         Reducing the number of bad events a person experiences because optimists are more likely to take steps to stop bad events once they begin           

            4.         Fostering social support, which is important because close friendships    reduce the risk for disease, particularly the recurrence of chronic disorders

            How is this possible? States of mind, such as hope, can affect the rest of the body. When a person is depressed, catecholamines, one type of neurotransmitter, become depleted. When catecholamines get depleted, the brain’s internal morphine( i.e., chemicals called endorphins) increase. When the level of endorphins increases the immune system detects this and turns itself down. This reduction in the immune system is temporary in grieving people. On the other hand, a pessimistic outlook on tends to lower immune activity independent of physical health problem and transient emotional states. Unlike temporary states such as sadness during a bereavement, or depression in the course of a divorce, or a bout of illness, pessimism may be able to impair your health over the course of your entire life span.

Explanatory styles

            Traditional views do not acknowledge a major determinant of health, namely our own thoughts. The reality is that we have much more control than we probably think we do. For example:

Ø      How we think, especially about our health, can change our health.

Ø      Optimists catch fewer contagious disease than pessimists

Ø      Optimists are more motivated to maintain better health habits than pessimists

Ø      The immune system of an optimistic individual works better than the immune system of a pessimistic individual

Ø      There is even evidence that optimists live longer than pessimists.

            One of the most intriguing studies in this area has been going on for decades.

            In the mid-1930’s the William T. Grant Foundation decided to study healthy men throughout the course of their adult lives. The investigators were interested in studying exceptionally gifted people to learn more about what determines success and good health. Subjects were selected from five Harvard freshman classes. Investigators selected men who were physically fit and intellectually and socially gifted. This group of men cooperated fully with this demanding study. Participants have received physical checkups every five years, were interviewed periodically and had to fill out endless questionnaires. Their diligence has provided a treasure of information about what makes a person healthy and successful.

            As time passed and the original investigators aged they decided to ask a younger man, George Vaillant, a brilliant young researcher, to assume responsibility for the continuation of this longitudinal study. George Vaillant’s first important finding from the study was that wealth at age twenty does not guarantee either success or good health. Instead he found a high level of failure and poor health among the men in the study including failed marriages, bankruptcies, premature heart attacks, alcoholism, and suicide. Indeed these men experienced tragedy at almost the same rate as men born at the same time in the the poorest areas of the inner city.

            The original research challenge had been to try to determine factors predictive of success and good health. So what was going on? If wealth did not guarantee good health and success what did? Vaillant began to focus in on how men in the study dealt with challenging events in their lives. Information that had been collected from the men indicated that even while in college some of them handled bad events with what may be described as “mature defenses.” They used humor, altruism, future-mindedness and the ability to delay gratification to meet the challenges thrown at them. Interestingly some of the men never used these strategies. Instead they used “immature defenses” such as denial, and projection, i.e., blaming others for their problems. By the time they were sixty years old none of the men who used mature defenses in their early twenties was chronically ill. On the other hand over one-third of the men without mature defenses at age twenty were in poor health by the time they were sixty.

            About the time the men in the study were entering middle-age, around age forty-five, a study involving 99 randomly selected men from the ongoing study was conducted. The men’s identities and state of health were kept from a second set of investigators that were given essays the men wrote as they returned from service in the World War II in 1945-1946. The essays were compiled into an explanatory-style portrait of each man. These explanatory-style summaries were then returned to the original investigators so they could determine what had happened to these men and whether the second investigators’ designation of individuals as having an optimistic or pessimistic outlook on life made a difference. What was discovered is that the health of the men at age sixty was strongly related to optimism at age twenty-five. The pessimistic men came down with diseases of middle-age earlier than the optimistic men and by age forty-five the difference in health was large. In fact optimism stood out as a primary determinant of health beginning at age forty-five and continuing for the next twenty years. In the next decade researchers will be able to learn if optimism predicts a longer life in addition to predicting a healthier one. While we all cannot be born wealthy, we can modify our outlook on life—especially if taking a more optimistic view leads to better health.

Disputation

            There are two ways to deal with pessimistic beliefs once you realize that you have them. The first way is to try and distract yourself when they occur by attempting to think about something else. The second way is to dispute them. For example if you are taking a college class as a forty-something and you want an A in the class but you make a B and a B- on two of the three exams for the class you can beat yourself up because you are not likely to attain your goal—telling yourself how old and stupid you are, etc. Or, you can look at your situation more objectively. First Bs are not bad grades, especially in computer programming. Second, unlike most of the other students in the class you work full-time and have a family including two demanding teenage children. You know that you have learned a great deal from the class, some of which you have already begun to apply in the workplace. From this vantage point you are doing quite well. If you get a B in the class it is not because your age has made you “stupid,” it is because you have many more responsibilities than most of the other students and cannot spend unlimited amounts of time on class preparation. Besides, you already are benefiting from the knowledge you have acquired. You decide that right now you need to focus on finishing the class so you will be eligible for the new position opening up at work.

Developing strategic optimism

            Strategic optimism involves changing how you think about adversity so as to increase your sense of control and thus become more optimistic. If you tend to be pessimistic in your outlook you can learn to change the way you look at bad events. Instead of seeing adversity as permanent, pervasive and aimed at you personally you can learn to moderate your thinking to reduce the crippling effect of such a negative outlook. It is not necessary to become blindly optimistic. The basic rule is that if the cost of failure is large that you should be careful in use of an optimism strategy. On the other hand, if the cost of failure is lower optimism is appropriate. When you are trying to decide whether you should try to change you thinking to be more optimistic you should consider the following:

            Be strategically optimistic:

Ø      If you are in an achievement situation such as selling merchandise, working on a difficult report, competing in a sporting event

Ø      If you feel sad or depressed or need to bolster how you feel

Ø      If you are faced with a long term situation that affects your health

            There are times that optimism is not appropriate.

Ø      If your goal requires planning for a risky and uncertain future. For example if you have been drinking heavily at a party and are thinking of driving yourself home, you should not be optimistic. Or, if you are a pilot who must fly through inclement weather and are trying to decide if it is worthwhile to de-ice the plane again, you should not be overly optimistic.  

Ø      If you are trying to encourage other people whose future is honestly not very bright do not initially be optimistic. If your child is flunking three out of five courses this semester and is already on academic probation it is inappropriate to suggest that everything will be ok and they will not be kicked out of college. Better to be realistic that they probably will be asked to leave but also point out viable options such as attending community college for the next couple of years and then reapplying to university—if they are finally motivated to work hard. If not they should get ready to find a job and face the prospect of having to support themselves.

Ø      If you are trying to be sympathetic to other people who are experiencing troubles do not start off with lots of optimistic projections—wait until after you have been empathetic to what they are experiencing and they feel that you clearly understand what they are experiencing so they can have confidence in you before you use optimism. Your heartbroken adolescent child does not want to hear that they will get over the pain they are feeling following a breakup with their boy or girl friend. They do not need to hear you make disparaging comments about their lost love either. They do need you to accept their pain and be supportive before you start talking with them about the wonderful new people they will meet and how quickly they will get over their current loss.

History of happiness

            People have been concerned about happiness for millennia. Two thousand years ago Seneca observed that his forefathers lived as well as they were living during his time. This was in spite of the fact that his forefathers found shelter in the ground, used their own hands to obtain and dress their meat and did not know the pride of owning and wearing gold and fine gems. He commented that it was what was in the mind that made a person rich: no one could be considered poor who had enough, or rich if they wanted more than they have.

            Seneca’s observation is consistent with the Chinese saying from long ago that a person who is content is always happy. People can become so interested in acquiring things that they recklessly pursue fame and fortune. Living life in this manner limits people to the demands of fame and the restrictions of wealth. Their life energy is spent in pursuit of fame largely for the purpose of obtaining wealth. Ironically if you actually obtain great wealth it also opens the door to the possibility of great loss, including robbery, burglary, or even murder as others attempt to take what you have. On the other hand, the person who is content with what he has can spend his life energy in more truly satisfying endeavors. People who are content are said to be rich in the quality of their life, which is likely to include tranquility, peace and spiritual nourishment.

            Today happiness researchers continue to find validation for these ancient concepts. Modern happiness researchers define happiness as a state of well-being which depends less on our circumstances and more on how we respond to them. While national affluence and a sense of well-being correlate, there is a stronger link between a secure democracy and well-being. In fact, the capacity for personal choice is a greater predictor of happiness than a country’s relative wealth. While indigent people concerned about losing the most essential necessities of life endure a sense of hopelessness, wealth alone does not guarantee a sense of purpose and life satisfaction.

            People need enough money to provide the basic necessities of life on a continuing basis. However, having more than enough does not really boost our sense of well-being. This is because when we have the basics other needs come to the forefront—things such as a need for a sense of belonging, or a feeling that we are making a difference by our existence. The first serving of food tastes better than the second helping. In the same way once humans have basic rights, shelter, adequate food, meaningful activity in their lives and enriching friendships our level of happiness is surprisingly unaffected by more money. There is only a slight tendency for those who make lots of money to be more satisfied with what they have. True satisfaction is not really about getting what you want but wanting what you have. Larger incomes also don’t influence how satisfied we are with our spouse, children, friendships or even ourselves, but all of these relationships are important in determining our sense of well-being, i.e., our happiness.

Traits of happy people

            Researchers have found that there are four inner traits that predispose positive attitudes and happiness. These traits are:

Ø      Self-esteem – happy people respect their value as a human being. When things get tough people with a firm sense of self-worth keep going.

Ø      Personal Control – happy people feel like they have control over what happens to them. They feel like they can control their destiny.

Ø      Optimism – happy people are filled with hope and expect to succeed when they try something new. They see the proverbial glass of life as half full, not half empty.

Ø      Extraversion – happy people tend to be outgoing and sociable.

            Even in old age extraverted individuals tend to be cheerful and full of the joie de vivre, the joy for living. People who like themselves are confident that other people will like them too. They have many friends and they engage in rewarding social activities. More fulfilling social interactions result in their experiencing more affection and greater social support. This is very important because social support is the foundation behind their sense of well-being and positive outlook on life.

Becoming a happier person

            Just because you are not born an extrovert with high self-esteem and an optimistic outlook does not mean that you cannot make changes in that direction. Pretend you are self-confident, pretend to be optimistic, try to be more outgoing with others. Research has shown that while telling people to act or talk positively sounds like you are asking them to be phony, in reality when people follow through and practice these traits amazing things happen. The phoniness gradually diminishes and the new behaviors and accompanying attitudes begin to fit, like a favorite comfortable pair of old jeans.

            If you doubt this strategy force yourself to put on a big smile. Now frown, tighten your jaw and try to look angry. Try both again and this time pay close attention to how you feel. Can you tell a difference? Research shows that if you smile on the outside you will feel better on the inside.

            The same goes for your interactions with other people. Smile. Act like you like someone and you may just find out that you do! And, as a bonus, you may also find out that you are beginning to like yourself better, that you feel more confident and that you are becoming more comfortable with other people. And these are the changes that can help you feel greater happiness in your life and more optimism for the future.

Defining flow

            What is it in your life that makes time stand still for you? What activity enthralls you so that you tune out everything else and focus exquisitely on what you are doing at the time? Flow is a state of unself-conscious absorption in an activity that fully engages us. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced “cheeks sent me high”) studied artists who were so caught up in their work that they could paint or sculpt for hours while immersed in a project only to completed forget about it once it was finished. Csikszentmihalyi was fascinated by the artists being driven not by money or praise or promotion but by the intrinsic reward of creation. This same intensity can be found in surgeons, athletes, writers, parents, dancers, to name just a few. And the experience appears to be universal, people of all nationalities seem to enjoy and benefit from the experience of flow. Flow makes us feel more confident, more competent and promotes a sense of well-being.

            Flow contains several components:

Ø      We are pursuing a task that requires skill and concentration

Ø      We must focus intently

Ø      We are striving for clear goals

Ø      We get ongoing feedback about how the activity is going

Ø      Although we are deeply involved the pursuit seems effortless

Ø      We feel like we are in control

Ø      We feel like we are apart of what we are doing; our sense of self vanishes

Ø      Time seems to stand still.

Seeking and finding flow each day

            People can feel a sense of flow while working, playing or even doing routine tasks such as driving a car. Csikszenmihalyi has identified four ways to turn adversity or boredom into enjoyment and open the possibility of flow. These strategies include:

Ø      Setting goals

Ø      Endeavoring to immerse yourself in your goal-oriented activity

Ø      Paying attention to what is happening

Ø      Enjoying the immediate experience.

            In summary, we can learn to increase the  flow in our lives by living more intentionally, which includes finding out what we do best, what we find meaningful and finding ways to avoid time-wasting demands. Finding and pursuing work that you enjoy, that feels like play is important. We only have so much time allotted to us and it is important to spend it well. Of particular concern is free time spent in passive activities like watching endless TV programs that leave a person feeling tired and lethargic. Csikszentmihali contends that wasted free-time makes us feel apathetic and joyless.

            How about trying a new strategy? Instead of spending all your leisure time in passive pursuits, opt instead to be involved in active endeavors. Work out, take photographs, play a musical instrument, read a good book, plant a garden, have a friend over to visit, go for a walk, whatever appeals to you, simply try to lose yourself in activity. You may be surprised at what can happen: the allusive state of happiness you sought can actually become yours. Losing yourself in things you love results in you gaining an increased sense of well-being, greater happiness, and a sense of fulfillment

Challenge, Control and Commitment

            Research by Dr. Suzanne Kobasa and her colleagues has suggested three elements which appear to be essential for a stress hardy mindset. These are: commitment, challenge and personal control. Challenge is critical when dealing with adversity. Stress hardy people view difficult situations as challenges which can teach them important life lessons rather than opportunities to feel failure. It is not easy to look for these life lessons but if you do not look for benefits you might receive you will likely experience a sense of pessimism and stress.

            The Chinese language uses the same word for “crisis” and “an opportunity with danger.” The Chinese recognize that even though situations are difficult they may also provide an opportunity to learn and grow. For example if you lose your job you can wallow in self pity or you can use the loss as a catalyst to move forward and take advantage of the opportunity to pursue avenues that your former obligations would have prevented. It is a matter of perspective which you can control.

            Dr. Kobasa explains commitment as a person being involved with life rather than being alienated from it. Another way to look at commitment is to consider it as part of a greater purpose in life. Purpose gives us a reason for getting up in the morning. It demands that we meet life challenges and it requires that we be devoted to not only our work but also to our personal relationships. Purpose also obligates us to service to others and to our philosophical and religious ideals. If a person has no purpose in life they will not be able to lead a resilient life. On the other hand resilient people find meaning in their activities even when faced with significant adversity.

Connectedness

            Mother Theresa is said to have been convinced that the greatest of all sorrows was to feel alone, unwanted, and to be without human affection. She saw loneliness to be a greater sorrow than being hungry or homeless or suffering from illness. To be a social being without friends is to be deprived of some of the most valuable of life’s experiences.

            The connectedness, seen in resilient adults, involves a mutual give and take in relationships paired with high levels of trust, caring and openness as well as a sense of security and safety. These relationships are not those involving negative qualities like excessive neediness, manipulation, or a lack of empathy and compassion.

            To nurture connectedness:

Ø      Make positive connections a priority in your life

Ø      Connections to other people are vital. However, connections may also involve connectedness to causes, towns, schools, religions, jobs, volunteer endeavors, pets, sports teams, etc. In fact, participation in any of these activities allows you to meet people with similar interests.

Ø      As in many other areas it is necessary to take charge of your life when it comes to fostering relationships. Do not wait for someone else to make the first move. Reach out in a positive manner to others. While opening oneself up to other people involves a certain degree of risk of getting hurt, not having a social network has far greater consequences.

Ø      Throughout our lives our resilience and our connections are enhanced whenever we act to help other people

Ø      Connections continuously change. Children are born and grow up, jobs and interests may change. Resiliency involves the wisdom to modify goals and expectations and to continually improve our ever-changing relationships and connections. The important thing is to be proactive to ensure the maintenance of vital relationships when changes occur. An example is a couple finding special time for the two of them after they have children. Even small gestures such as telephone calls and emails help maintain a certain level of connection.

Self vs. others

            Our world grows very small when we focus primarily on ourselves. Not only is our view of the world distorted by not having feed back from other people about errors in our perceptions and thinking, but we also remove ourselves from having the joys of doing things for others. Sometimes we find ourselves alone because of fear that we might be hurt if we let people get too close, or we think we are too busy to waste time on socializing. We may also become self-focused if we feel sad or depressed. A depressed person tends to lose the joie de vivre. Eating and sleeping patterns are disrupted and minor irritations seem like mountains. Activities that are usually enjoyable lose their appeal and most often the saddened person turns away from friends and love ones depriving themselves of social support that might help to alleviate some of their pain. They focus more and more on themselves and the pain they are feeling. It is very easy to see how they can become pessimistic about things getting brighter in the future.

            On the other hand, when we are enthusiastically involved with work and home activities, when we cultivate our friendships and nurture many interests, when we take time to show empathy and compassion for other people our emotional life is enriched and we are fortified and made stronger and more resilient.

Value of empathy

            Probably the most important “people skill” of all is empathy. Empathy is the ability to notice subtle verbal and non-verbal signals from other people that let you know what other people feel, i.e., what they need or want. People who do recognize these subtle cues are at a very great social disadvantage personally. On the other hand, people who are empathetic receive both physical and emotional benefits from their concern for others.

Becoming more compassionate

            Compassion is vital to strengthening not only our emotional well-being but our physical well-being as well. When a person act with compassion toward other people they experience a “helpers high” with is a type of exhilaration based on both physical and psychological elements. The Dalai Lama in The Art of Living commented that the greater the strength of your compassion the greater your resilience in life when you must confront hardships and the more likely you are to transform challenges into opportunities. Furthermore, the greater your compassion the greater your own courage will become. The more courageous you are the greater your inner strength and your ability to be determined. The greater your determination the more likely you are to be successful in spite of obstacles. In essence, a person’s hope, optimism, resilience and since of self-worth are bound up with their being able to feel connected to others and demonstrating care and concern for other people.

For coaching on building emotional resilience contact us.